A Letter to my Arch Nemesis

*Disclaimer: this post was written under the influence of large amounts of "lack of sleep"*

Dr. Henry Jekyll and Edward Coin, Dr. Hannibal Locker, The Wicked Locker of the West, Michael Coin-leone, Coin-1000, The Jokecoin, Lex LuCoin, Frankencoin, Count Lockula, Darth Locker, Mr. Bean-coin, Dr. Octocoin, Coinzilla, King Koin, Attack of the killer coinmato...

Just in case you're wondering, the aforementioned names are a list of possible titles for my newest arch nemesis: The Coin Locker of Okayama Station. I've been kicked, punched, scratched, and drop kicked again by this evil, self serving schemer of a machine. In an effort to relieve my anger at having been repeatedly owned by this coin locker, I've written a letter to it as a means to demand recompense.

Dear Mr. Coin Locker,

On Saturday night at approximately 9:45 pm, I came to you with a need; a need for you to hold my bags. Now, Why I ever considered giving you 300 Yen (3 dollars), I'll never know. You're a box; a drab, metal, colorless box. You hold things for money. I could do your job, EASILY. I wish people would give me 3 dollars to hold bags, purses, drugs, bombs, or other items for a few hours. Instead, I have to teach children, unlike you Mr. Coin Locker, who can't hold a respectable job like other things in our society. Hmph!

And so, I gave you money. I should've carried my own bags. Maybe I was drugged? Maybe I was tired? Maybe I was lazy? Or Maybe I just felt sorry for you. Either way, I gave you 300 Yen 600 Yen and deposited my bag into you. (I forgot to mention that I accidentally gave you an extra 300 Yen when I closed the locker without getting the key and had to pay extra to get a new one). After leaving my bags in your care, I did what any self-respecting coin locker user would do and that is to go have fun.

After my night of shenanigans (it matters not what I did), at around 4:30 AM, I returned home in a taxi. However, in my apparent absent mindedness, I was quickly reminded, when I got home, that I had forgotten my bag and had left it in your care. With the knowledge that I would have to wake up around 11 am that morning, I made the decision to delay my short night of sleep and immediately ride my bike to the station and politely ask you to return my bags to me (in an effort to save me the trouble of waking up early). This decision was made in a half drunken haze and made without much care as the train station is a one hour round trip (using the quickest mode of transportation available to me; my bicycle). In hindsight, this was not a favorable decision and in my haste  to depart, I brought only my keys and phone.

Upon my arrival at Okayama Station at around 5:00 AM, I quickly meekly realized (in my alcohol-induced state of reduced intelligence) that I would not be able to reach your presence until 5:30 AM. Why I thought you would stay open 24 hours in Japan, I'll never know. And thus, I was faced with a considerably difficult decision to make: "should I stay or should I go?" (to quote that one song whose title eludes me at this point in time). If I were to leave, I would be returning home to Natalie a failure, a grotesque animal unable to collect even a backpack from an honorable coin Locker but I would be rewarded with that which I wanted most; a few hours of sleep. Fortunately, a human being does not require a bed to sleep and so I did what any half drunken 25 year old in such a predicament would do, and that is to sleep on the nearest public bench amongst my fellow early morning drunkards.

Having set my alarm clock for approximately 5:30 AM, I awoke in a hazy shade of drowsiness and made my way towards your presence hoping that I could end this coin-mare as quickly as possible. Upon arrival, I was granted access to you and your fellow lockers, only to realize that Coin Lockers are granted an extra 30 minutes of sleep. I'll never understand why you open at 6:00 AM when your home, Okayama station, opens at 5:30 AM. Are you really that exhausted from getting paid to hold a bag that you absolutely need an extra 30 minutes of sleep. I think not! But either way, feeling disappointed and quite beaten, I returned to my bench to enjoy the company of my other sleeping drunkard friends and to await the arrival of 6:00 AM.

Once again having set my alarm clock for 6:00 AM, I awoke, this time in a state of defeated drowsiness and slowly crawled towards the station, this time in daylight and in the company of non-drunken human beings. I must have looked half mad in this state with my hair greasy and sticking in 4 directions, smelling of beer, and with crusty eyes but I no longer cared. An end was finally near..

When I arrived in your presence, I eagerly scrambled through my pocket in search for the key which unlocks your ugly face. Having found it, I slowly and carefully inserted the key into your mouth and turned it clockwise...nothing. Then, naturally, I turned it counter-clockwise...nothing. And then, I turned the key again and again and again but nothing. You proved to be immovable. You were like a mountain, except you were smaller than me and made of cheap metal. At this point, my heart sank deep. I had trekked for weeks 1 hour through the safe and orderly streets of Okayama and exposed myself to the elements, only to be drop kicked right into the groin area a useless metal box such as yourself.

In a desperate search for an explanation, my eyes led me to a white paper with obvious instructions for coin lockers written in plain English. It read as follows: After Midnight, users of coin lockers will be charged an extra 300 Yen. "Ah", I thought, "this applies to me!" I only needed to give you another 300 Yen of my hard earned money. However, my heart quickly spiraled into a fit of disbelief, and then into anger, and then into submission. I, and in my haste to ease your burden of holding my bags, had forgotten all of my money at home (30 minutes away). At this point, my mind raced through all possible options; go home and return with money, become a beggar, steal a car window washing tool and earn some money, sell a kidney, weep wildly and hope someone takes pity on me, or to simply rob someone at gun point. The choices you left me with were hard, but in the end, having reasoned with my self, I decided to return home and come back at a later time.

At this point in time, my story becomes simple. It was 6:10 AM and my path was clear. I quickly raced back home and explained my unfortunate circumstances to Natalie when I arrived at approximately 6:45 AM. In her concern, she comforted me. At this point, I was angry and disappointed, but determined to get some sleep. Even my alarm clock was getting more use than it should be (without pay. Unlike you, Mr. Coin Locker), but once again, I set my alarm clock for 10 AM and retired into a deep, sorrowful slumber.

When I awoke around 10 AM, I was terrifyingly tired and my wits were left behind at some place called "the previous day". But, with the deadline of 11 AM (the time at which we needed to wake up and prepare ourselves for a meeting) fast approaching and with Natalie being without her things of need, I grabbed some money, mounted my bike, and made my way back to your home, Okayama Station. (I will neglect to mention that along the way, I became lost and added another 15 minutes to my travel time because that is entirely my fault.) When I arrived back into your presence, I was finally able to open your face with the use of three 100 Yen coins (although not without your insulting me a final time by refusing to take my first 2 coins, or in other words, becoming jammed. I mean, what use is a coin locker if it can't accept coins willingly and easily?). And at last, the bags were out of your despicable hands and were safely returned into mine.

And thus, Mr. Coin Locker, is the story of how you ruined my life a few hours of my night. You've left me 900 Yen short, sleepless, a ruined pride, and a bag that smells "like it's been in a coin locker". I've been reduced into a laughing stock of civilized society; a dreadful being who couldn't even defeat a coin locker (you're not even electronic). I realize that most of the blame falls on me for 1. deciding to use a coin locker in the first place 2. not reading the instructions and 3. forgetting my money BUT, that's entirely besides the point...you sick, smelly, square shaped piece of metal.

It is now Monday 3:18 PM. You gave me this forgettable experience on Saturday night. I am writing to you to DEMAND my money back with 20% interest. I want my money no later than tomorrow. By my calculations and with 20% interest on the 900 Yen, that should leave me with exactly 900.5 Yen. Now, don't think I don't mean business. I know people. I have my ways. I am by no means threatening you Mr. Coin Locker, but if you find yourself with a carton of spoiled milk and unable to remove it because you don't have the key to yourself, you'll know why.

Sincerely,

The Honorable Nikola Do Brunelle Tran