Home Invasions

I'm under a lot of pressure to write this post as I'm now being assaulted by some truly dangerous beings. In an effort to contribute to mankind and the safety of mankind, I'm going to try to inform my fellow Scientists and Historians on a very particular matter concerning the Japanese Ninja and I will do so under extremely difficult circumstances as I have yet to figure out a way to fight these ninjas.

Although Ninjutsu (the art of the Ninja) is currently being taught in Japan and in many places all over the world, official histories have recorded the Ninja (and the Samurai) as being extinct for almost 200 years now. Unfortunately, and due to some rather vicious experiences last night, I now know that these specific Japanese Ninja's are anything but extinct. In fact, they may have been around for thousands and thousands of years before the advent of the ninja we consider to be matter of fact. Let me start by giving a direct comparison of the ancient and respected Japanese Ninja and this new (or ancient) Japanese Ninja followed by an account of my personal encounters with these most terrifying...Ninja's

A Direct Physical Comparison of the Ancient Ninja and the Mystery Ninja (2011)

	Ancient Ninja	Mystery Ninja
Age	15 – 40 years old	1 day old
Nationality	Japanese	Japanese
Sex	Male or Female	Male or Female
Weight	60 – 80 kilograms	.01 grams
Height	150 – 200 centimeters	.05 centimeters
Garment	Black clothing	Black skin
Weapons	Sharp and Pointy	Sharp and Pointy
Special Abilities	Can appear and disappear at will. Can jump really high.	Can appear and disappear at will. Can fly at will.
Methods	Can draw blood from victims in a variety of stealthy attacks.	Can draw blood from victims with one stealthy attack.
Purpose	Hired by lords to assassinate or steal	Hired by their own self to bother and aggravate humans
Mark	Covers his/her entire face with a mask	Has wings
Sound	Possibly footsteps	Possibly buzzing

It is clear (from this chart) that both the ancient Ninja and this mystery Ninja are rather similar in nature and style, except for one glaring difference; the former being of Homo-Sapien descent and the latter being of mosquito descent. This also legitimizes my hypothesis that this Mosquito Ninja has in fact been around for possibly millions of years while our beloved ancient Ninja has had the lifespan of an infant in comparison. Let us move on to my personal  experience (in chronological order) involving the Mosquito Ninja:

Around 1 AM and having just finished watching a couple of episodes of The Wire Season 3, Natalie and I were most notably exhausted and we had decided to head to that peaceful place where Ninjas don't usually disturb us. We were most definitely ready for a long rest, especially considering that Saturdays are our most exhausting day wok wise. After having fallen into a deep sleep, we were both gradually awakened to the realization that there was something in the bed room and that that something was not a friend, but a foe, intent on making our night as miserable as can be.

A few wounds on my legs, a couple on my elbows, and one on my face made me fly through a range of possible actions that I could undertake: 1. scan the room through my sleepy eyes in order to determine who or what was invading the bedroom 2. call the police (a perfectly logical reaction to a ninja attack in America, but rather illogical in Japan, where I would most likely be unable to communicate the word "help" and more likely the communicate the word "Green" "Ninja" Sushi" considering my limited Japanese vocabulary) 3. Grab the nearest spray bottle (most likely Febreeze) and hope that would ward off my enemy 4. Grab a baseball bat and go "ape shit" 5. hide in the closet 6. or retreat ever more deeply into my blanket and hope that such a thin layer of fabric and an attempt to sleep would set things right. Most gentlemen of my nature, having considered the aforementioned options, would gracefully choose option 6 and so that is what we undertook.

In my attempted sleep, I was reminded that a peaceful slumber is a goal that is almost unreachable in such extreme conditions as were presented before me. In addition to vicious attacks by this Ninja, my wounds were worsening by the minute. Although the Human being is capable of great fortitude and acts of courage under the most drastic conditions, I was unable to resist the urge to eventually "scratch my boo boo" (as I had so eloquently stated to myself inside my head). There was also a rather large sense of discomfort in the environment itself. It had seemed to me that this enemy had planted additional distractions in order to further aggravate me. Terrible Japanese music seemed to be coming from outside of the apartment (although logically, and under normal circumstances, I would have assumed that this was from the neighbor. I now believe that it was a ploy by the enemy to further distract me). It also seemed as if Natalie had been left alone after the initial attacks for the most part. Psychological warfare. Clever Indeed...

After months a few minutes of being bombarded by worsening bullet wounds, cannon shots (in the form bad Japanese music), psychological tricks, and continued attacks by a powerful enemy, I finally heard it. At the peak of my dilemma, I heard a buzzing sound go past my ear. The realization came to me in a flash. I was being attacked by a mosquito (freaking useless ugly pipsqueak!). How did I come to this most complicated realization you ask? Well, for one, I used my extensive knowledge of the Japanese Ninja to deduce that it couldn't have been a Japanese Ninja. For example, Ninjas, according to that most terrible Hollywood movie, Ninja Assassin, are usually charged with single handedly attacking armies of robot army tanks. Since, I am not a robot army tank, my observation was proved to be correct. According to other Ninja lore, Ninja's usually come in the form of either 4 mutant talking turtles or in the form of 3 highly privileged Caucasian suburban boys. In addition to those observations, I also know that Ninjas usually approach their foes on foot, without making a buzzing sound.

Realizing that I would probably be able to take my new foe in a fight (considering I outsized and outweighed him considerably), I turned on the lights and arose with the determination that I would slap the living shit (literally) out of this mosquito. Armed with a pair of chopsticks (like the mosquito killing master; Mister Miyagi (r.i.p.)), I waited patiently for my chance to snatch him out of the air while looking like a 70 year old Karate master teaching a lanky 14 year old privileged suburban Caucasian male how to fight some neighborhood bullies who have fierce mullets. I quickly caught my first glance of the mosquito through the silhouette of the ceiling light, and it gave me the confidence to go after him with all of the strength left in my dying and wounded (from mosquito bites) body. However, my chance never came again. Disappeared into thin air. Gone. Sayonara'd. Peaced Out. Made like a tree and leaved.

That's when I realized I had been defeated by not JUST a mosquito, but a Japanese Ninja Mosquito. Highly effective attacks combined with the ability to disappear at will. That's the new Japanese Ninja. Unbelievable. Another sleepless night handed to me by a worthless foe (or maybe it is I who is worthless?).

So you see my fellow historians, it's time to change history. Scientists, it's time to put aside those thoughts of saving the environment. We need to figure out a way to fight this new foe, together! We need to build mosquito shelters and we need to drill our children throughout the school day on how to defend themselves. We need to build nuclear repellant bombs! It's a sad future we face in the 21st century, but if we do not come together, we may be faced with the sad prospect of a few sleepless nights and some itchy arms. It pains me to think about it. We must band together!